and when my time is done
i will slowly, wordlessly, drift away
like grains floating away from sculptures in the sand
into the wind like whispers
smiling, a quiet thank you
and it will have been a lovely time
lovers, it is time
for the taste of fire
let sadness and your fears of death
sit in the corner and sulk
the sky itself reels with love
there is one being inside
all of us, one peace
“This is how I would die into the love I have for you: As pieces of cloud dissolve in Sunlight.” – Rumi
the universe sent me a goddess disguised in playful innocence (with a touch of a real stubborn lil shit, lol). i understand more and more each day, why i am allowed to love her. with every challenge and event, i realize how i must love her. how every part of me knows that she had saved me equal to every time i will and have saved her. she was always showing me the beautiful, and sweet with me.
thanks you kels.. xo
i am coming into a fuller understanding of how passionate souls of history faced “god”. not the caucasian white bearded man in the clouds, but: the universe; the greater reality; and ultimately the true grande nature of everything. specifically, how in times of great pain and strife they would face their inner fears and find courage or madness. you cannot truly understand any aspect of what you read in stories and history books of those people from long ago. there is, in my humbled opinion, no possible way to empathize with what they endured.
over the past week, i have encountered great physical pain. attacked from three angles, i am enduring immobilizing vertigo, unrelenting headache with consistent tension/pain in my neck (like a vice gripping my brain stem), and the resulting unpredictable panic attacks that come from trying to work or be outside when the pain and discomfort maximizes.
with the unknown reason (as of yet) of why i am suffering this.. i have been humbled. with crying, with confusion and with fears. and i have pleading conversation with the universe for it to stop, for relief.
and the level of emotions with private thought and reflection come pouring into my every waking moment now. i realize how blessed i am for my girlfriend Kelsea (a honest and gentle soul with nothing but love for me). and i feel very real compassion for those in the world who have endured similar and worse pain with terminal illness and loss of family/loved ones, etc. and in a strange way, i also feel alone, even with many blessed souls in my circle of friends. but at 2am, when the pain is so much that i cannot even escape into sleep where pain cannot find me for a short duration. i feel alone with my suffering. i feel that no one can understand me. that i cannot call someone for help or ‘bother’ someone to remind me that i am not going to lose my job because i cannot work in this physical condition. that i will not go crazy with the pain that will not go away. to reassure me that i will never reach that place where you wonder why your life has spiraled down to this, or how you got here.
there’s is so much more i can say on this, but even thought is hard to create with this pain. i only hope others can possibly understand what i am trying to convey.i just want to feel happiness. i just want a release so that i can try to share joy with the world. it is not in my nature to quit or to try to take a cowards way out of this life. that is not me.
i do not want the madness, i want the courage. how do i find it? how do i save myself from this?
so this is the first entry. it written late at night, in the middle of a dark forest in the middle of a small city.
these entries that will follow this one from my ‘blog’ will hopefully give you a very small understanding of who i am, and the passionate journey that i am on. this is my journey, as much as it is my view of the universe that surrounds me. some days i will be passionate, poetic, concerned, hopefull, sad, confused, enlivened and so on.
i only hope that anything i post here will somehow make the world a more beautiful place..
i can only try..